High Ropes

It's no secret that I hated almost everything about college.  I went through four schools and three majors on the way to finally earning my degree.  At the time, I had no idea how the decisions I was making were working together to shape me, but looking back I can see how important each step was.  I probably still haven't worked through each and every event that influenced me over the course of those three and a half years, and I probably never will.  Every once in a while along the way I realized something big was happening though, and I just wanted to share one of those times, and further reflect on the truth I saw in that moment.

During the spring semester of my junior year in college, I took a high ropes course for gym credit.  I didn't need gym credit, but I had three labs that semester and I was also a lab assistant, so I knew that if I didn't schedule fun time into my courseload, I wouldn't have any.  Here is a blog entry I wrote following one afternoon on the high ropes course.

Yesterday I had ropes class.  I was on the high ropes course for the second time.  It's scary up there...definitely out of my comfort zone.  Yesterday, we had to climb the giant ladder, go across an element, and go off the giant swing.  The giant swing was by far the scariest thing I have ever done in my life.  Have you ever seen the "Skycoaster" ride at the boardwalk or an amusement park?  The one where they strap you into a harness thing and attach a cable to your back, haul you up to the top of an A-frame and let you go?  Well, that was essentially the giant swing, except that you were already up.  We got strapped into a second harness, attached to the swing, and had to slide off the platform.  After sliding off, you freefall for about two seconds until the swing catches you, and then you swing.  The swinging was great fun; the freefalling...not so much. 

Although the swing was the scariest part of the adventure, the giant ladder was very thought provoking, and I thought I'd share.  The giant ladder is exactly what it sounds like - a giant ladder.  The rungs are 4x4s strung between two cables, which make up the sides of the ladder.  The tops of the cables are attached to a cable at the top, but the bottom swings freely and so the ladder is pretty unstable.  The second rung is about 5 feet above the first one.  The third rung is about 5 1/2 feet above the second one.  The fourth rung is about 6 feet above the third rung.  And so on...the rung spacing increases the higher up the ladder you go - and you go up about 40 or 50 feet.  We each had a buddy with whom we had to climb the ladder and complete the course.  To climb the ladder, we could only touch our buddies and the rungs of the ladder - the cables were off limits.  This was an incredibly difficult task, especially in light of the fact that my buddy was my friend Andrea, who is no bigger than I am.  Neither of us could reach the next rung, much less muscle our way up to be able to pull the other one up.  So we got creative and eventually figured out a way that worked quite well by mimicking the way we would climb a tree.  It was exhausting however.

I had a light-bulb moment while Andrea and I were climbing the giant ladder.  As we neared the top, I was getting really tired and I did not feel like my muscles could keep going.  I was standing on the rung and I kept thinking that I just wanted to get down, but I knew that that was not an option.  I knew I would feel so much more accomplished if I persevered and made it to the top, but my arms were screaming, "Stop!"  I had this silent mental battle up there at that moment, although I knew there was only one option.  Obviously, I ended up completing the course.  I can't recall many other times in my life when I've felt such a sense of euphoria at my accomplishment.  The light-bulb moment came when I reflected on my thoughts up there on the course and paralleled them to my life outside of class.  As you all have read, I have been having such a difficult time dealing with school this semester...I'm only one semester away from finishing, but everything in me just wants to give up now.  I find myself thinking often, "I just can't do this anymore!"  I know that I will somehow find the strength to get through it though, and I know my feeling of accomplishment when I do will be great.  Every time I find myself feeling like giving up, my thought sequence from the ladder replays in my mind and I am reminded that not only do I not have the option to give up, but I do have the strength to keep going.

Through college I had desperately wanted to give up, but I couldn't and didn't - and now looking back I know I'm better for having done it.  It's funny how that day on the high ropes course comes back to me though; over and over again I think it plays out in my life.  In a very physical sense, labor was exactly the same sort of feeling.  I didn't just think I couldn't do it anymore, I said it over and over again as I was pushing.  I couldn't stop though, and my beautiful baby came into this world.  Like that day on the high ropes course, I've never before felt that type of euphoria.

In a more figurative sense, deployment is also like that day on the high ropes course.  Just like my struggle through school, this journey has been one that has seemed at times like it will never end.  I have often found myself thinking that I won't be able to make it to the end that doesn't seem to be getting any closer, but I always know that I can and will get there.  As I look ahead now, homecoming is finally within grasping distance.  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I couldn't be more excited!

I have been thinking a lot about the high ropes course the past few days, and as searched for and reread that old entry I realized that it is missing one very important detail: I never addressed the source of my strength on the high ropes course.  My relationship with God has taken a meandering path, and I wasn't particularly reliant on Him during my college years.  I knew He was there, but I didn't always acknowledge it was actually His strength pulling me through.  I will admit that even still my relationship with Him isn't where it needs to be, but I've come to recognize that I am nothing without His strength supporting me.

Some morbidity, and birth control.

Before I get into the meat of this post, I feel it necessary to write a disclaimer.  This post discusses death, pregnancy loss, and abortion.  I do not have personal experience of pregnancy or infant loss.  I am not in any way, shape, or form, trying to dismiss the pain and suffering of anyone who has experienced those types of tragedies and I sincerely apologize if anything I say comes across in an offensive manner.  If anything I say is offensive or way off base, please leave me a comment and I will try to correct myself.  I realize that these are sensitive topics, I am merely trying to make sense of things in my own mind. 

Did you see the AP article about the Arnold family?  I posted a link to Chad's blog, Come Too Far, in my last update.  Long story short, Chad Arnold has an incurable liver disease and his liver was failing.  Although he would have liked to wait for a cadaver liver transplant, a live-donor transplant became his best choice.  His brother, Ryan, volunteered to undergo testing to see if he was a compatible match, and found that he was.  They underwent the transplant surgery at the end of July, and a few days later Ryan passed away from complications of the surgery.  Chad is surviving with his brother's liver, and has started writing that blog to help him through the grief.  The entire family is devout Christians, and their faith throughout this ordeal has been inspirational.

In the entry that was posted yesterday, Chad and Ryan's mother wrote, "I have been blessed beyond measure. We have four children, along with their spouses, and twelve grandchildren who are a constant source of joy to us.  Notice I said we have four children. Yes, that’s right. Have.  Ryan is still our son."  That is a 100% true statement, and no one would ever argue with that.  Death does not erase a person's existence.  Just because he is no longer living on Earth does not mean that he never lived.  It doesn't matter if the person lived for 100 years, 100 days, 100 minutes, or 1 second; death does not erase life.

I have several acquaintances who have given birth a many as three months prematurely, and unfortunately some of their babies did not survive.  Those families do not forget about their children who passed away too soon.  If asked how many children they have, the parents answer always includes the baby who has passed away.  To me, this makes perfect sense; of course that baby should be included.  Just because she is no longer living doesn't mean she never did!

But what about when a woman has a miscarriage?  I know far too many women who have suffered one or more miscarriages.  Usually these are early in their pregnancies, before 10 weeks, but I know a few that have been much later than that, one at 12 and another at 16 weeks.  At what point does the pregnancy become a baby, and a member of the family?  The answer to the question doesn't really matter; whether it was a baby that died or a miscarriage, the loss still hurts.  I just wonder at what point in time does it change from losing the pregnancy to losing the baby.

There are many things that can happen which would end a life at various points in it's development.  A miscarriage or a medical abortion usually occurs while it is still in its embryonic stage.  If the fetus dies before it is born, it may be considered a miscarriage or a late pregnancy loss, and if it is delivered it is stillborn.  If the fetus is born alive before 37 weeks gestation, it becomes a premature baby.  If it is born healthy at full term, lives 100 years, and then dies, that would be considered a normal life.  But at some point in it's development, the cells stop being just a ball of cells and start being a human.  I firmly believe that life begins at conception.  I would say that at any time after fertilization, the egg/embryo/fetus is a living human.  I still don't know when the unborn baby stops being an embryo or a fetus and starts being an unborn baby, though.  I don't understand why a pregnancy that ends in miscarriage at 7 weeks is different from a pregnancy that ends with a premature baby born at 24 weeks.  I also don't understand why abortion is okay, but murder is not. 

But I digress.  I started thinking about all of this while I was looking at different options for birth control.  Because I define pregnancy as beginning at conception, I would consider anything that prohibits or prevents implantation to be an immoral choice for birth control.  The trouble I am having is that is seems that the medical community has redefined pregnancy to begin at implantation rather than conception.  Most of the literature accompanying all non-barrier forms of birth control states that [insert method here] is not an abortifacient, but is a contraceptive.  Every kind I can find lists alteration of the uterine lining as one of it's secondary modes of action.  This includes various forms of the pill, the Ortho Evra patch, the Nuva Ring, the Depo Provera shot, the Implanon implant, the Parguard IUD, and the Mirena IUD.  If it is altering the uterine lining to prevent a fertilized egg from implanting, it is therefore acting as an abortifacient, no?  If it is, then it would be wrong to use that kind of birth control, right?  But what if altering the uterine lining is not the way any forms of birth control are supposed to prevent pregnancy, but more of a side effect that just happens to be a back-up should the primary method (either suppressing ovulation or otherwise preventing fertilization) fail?  Is that okay?  The more I read, the more I feel like I'm just going in circles and I can't figure out what's right and what's wrong anymore.

I had quite a few things I wanted to blog about in the past few days.  SJ is becoming more and more aware of her world and sleeping less and less though, so I haven't had much time to sit and write recently.  I can barely get enough time to write updates about her, let alone anything spiritual or profound!

So because I haven't been able to sit down and write myself, I'd like to share links to two blogs I've been reading.  The authors of both of them are struggling through terrible tragedies, but continue to glorify God in the midst of their suffering.  They are so encouraging!  Check them out:
Come Too Far
Pray for Ian

It's Been a While!

Hello Blogger world!  Sorry I've been MIA the past few weeks.  Who knew temporarily being a single parent would be so time-consuming?!  I kid, but seriously, I have been unbelievably busy since moving back to Virginia.

As can be expected, SJ is still growing so quickly.  She's almost completely out of her 0-3 month cloths, save for a few pairs of pants and all her socks.  She will be 3 months old next week though, so I guess that isn't too surprising.  She's still in size small diapers, which is fantastic because they're supposed to fit until around 6-8 months.  She is doing very well, becoming much more aware of her surroundings and developing a great little personality.  She recently developed strong dislike of being in the car without someone sitting next to her, which makes trying to take her out by myself less than enjoyable.  Thankfully she is mostly content if I remember to clip her duck toy to the handle on her carseat.  We're having a blast and excitedly waiting for Daddy to get home - which will be sometime next month!!

Outside the apartment, we have been keeping ourselves quite busy looking for a new apartment.  My friend and her husband were stationed in New York with us and transferred down to the Truman when we did also.  We both want to move when our leases are up in February, so we have been all over Hampton Roads visiting every apartment complex we can find.  Well, not every complex we can find, but we've visited over 15 in the past week.  Every one has something wrong with it - poor management, tiny kitchens, poorly maintained buildings, too expensive; nothing seemed to fit right.  Finally yesterday we visited a complex that is currently being constructed (the second new complex we've looked at), and it was everything I am looking for.  It's closer to work for M, close to everywhere I'd need to go, large kitchens with a pantry and an icemaker in the freezer, more than enough space...and most importantly right in my budget!  They offer military discounts and the pet rent is $10/month less than what I pay now...I'm excited.  M has pretty much told me to find one I like and he'll be happy with it, so now I'm just waiting for his input on which floorplan we should reserve.

In other news, my friend B is coming to visit soon and I'm pretty excited to spend time with her!  SJ has had enough of me playing on the computer, so that's all for now.  ♥