Have I Mentioned...

...that in a very short time, my husband will get to meet our baby girl for the very first time?!?!  I cannot wait to have him home!

4 Months!

SJ turned four months old on Saturday and had her well-baby check-up this morning.  She's doing wonderfully, weighing 14 lbs, 9 oz, and she's 26 inches long!  She's in the 70th percentile for weight and 92nd percentile for height.  The pediatrician also said her motor and verbal skills are closer to 6 months than 4, so she's a little advanced in those areas, too! :)

In the past few days she's really started getting mobile.  When she was a newborn, she loved tummy time, but usually preferred to use it to take a nap.  Then just after she turned 3 months, she began screaming as soon as I put her on her tummy.  A few days ago she decided she liked it again, and she's been working really hard at rolling over.  I haven't seen her flip tummy to back yet, but I caught her roll back to tummy once almost a month ago.  She scared herself that time and didn't try it again until over the weekend, but now it's a battle to get her to lay still long enough for a diaper change!  Also, she flipped herself around in her bed last night and was very confused when she woke up lol.  And she has figured out how to scoot herself around on her back and is working on army crawling on her tummy!  It seems like all of that happened overnight, and I'm not ready for it!!

And in other news, I wish I could yell from the rooftops how soon homecoming is!  Obviously that would be a violation of OPSEC and I wouldn't want to say anything to put my husband and the other sailors in danger, but it's so close!  I can't wait for SJ to finally meet Daddy, and for him to meet his baby girl.  What a wonderful day it will be!

High Ropes

It's no secret that I hated almost everything about college.  I went through four schools and three majors on the way to finally earning my degree.  At the time, I had no idea how the decisions I was making were working together to shape me, but looking back I can see how important each step was.  I probably still haven't worked through each and every event that influenced me over the course of those three and a half years, and I probably never will.  Every once in a while along the way I realized something big was happening though, and I just wanted to share one of those times, and further reflect on the truth I saw in that moment.

During the spring semester of my junior year in college, I took a high ropes course for gym credit.  I didn't need gym credit, but I had three labs that semester and I was also a lab assistant, so I knew that if I didn't schedule fun time into my courseload, I wouldn't have any.  Here is a blog entry I wrote following one afternoon on the high ropes course.

Yesterday I had ropes class.  I was on the high ropes course for the second time.  It's scary up there...definitely out of my comfort zone.  Yesterday, we had to climb the giant ladder, go across an element, and go off the giant swing.  The giant swing was by far the scariest thing I have ever done in my life.  Have you ever seen the "Skycoaster" ride at the boardwalk or an amusement park?  The one where they strap you into a harness thing and attach a cable to your back, haul you up to the top of an A-frame and let you go?  Well, that was essentially the giant swing, except that you were already up.  We got strapped into a second harness, attached to the swing, and had to slide off the platform.  After sliding off, you freefall for about two seconds until the swing catches you, and then you swing.  The swinging was great fun; the freefalling...not so much. 

Although the swing was the scariest part of the adventure, the giant ladder was very thought provoking, and I thought I'd share.  The giant ladder is exactly what it sounds like - a giant ladder.  The rungs are 4x4s strung between two cables, which make up the sides of the ladder.  The tops of the cables are attached to a cable at the top, but the bottom swings freely and so the ladder is pretty unstable.  The second rung is about 5 feet above the first one.  The third rung is about 5 1/2 feet above the second one.  The fourth rung is about 6 feet above the third rung.  And so on...the rung spacing increases the higher up the ladder you go - and you go up about 40 or 50 feet.  We each had a buddy with whom we had to climb the ladder and complete the course.  To climb the ladder, we could only touch our buddies and the rungs of the ladder - the cables were off limits.  This was an incredibly difficult task, especially in light of the fact that my buddy was my friend Andrea, who is no bigger than I am.  Neither of us could reach the next rung, much less muscle our way up to be able to pull the other one up.  So we got creative and eventually figured out a way that worked quite well by mimicking the way we would climb a tree.  It was exhausting however.

I had a light-bulb moment while Andrea and I were climbing the giant ladder.  As we neared the top, I was getting really tired and I did not feel like my muscles could keep going.  I was standing on the rung and I kept thinking that I just wanted to get down, but I knew that that was not an option.  I knew I would feel so much more accomplished if I persevered and made it to the top, but my arms were screaming, "Stop!"  I had this silent mental battle up there at that moment, although I knew there was only one option.  Obviously, I ended up completing the course.  I can't recall many other times in my life when I've felt such a sense of euphoria at my accomplishment.  The light-bulb moment came when I reflected on my thoughts up there on the course and paralleled them to my life outside of class.  As you all have read, I have been having such a difficult time dealing with school this semester...I'm only one semester away from finishing, but everything in me just wants to give up now.  I find myself thinking often, "I just can't do this anymore!"  I know that I will somehow find the strength to get through it though, and I know my feeling of accomplishment when I do will be great.  Every time I find myself feeling like giving up, my thought sequence from the ladder replays in my mind and I am reminded that not only do I not have the option to give up, but I do have the strength to keep going.

Through college I had desperately wanted to give up, but I couldn't and didn't - and now looking back I know I'm better for having done it.  It's funny how that day on the high ropes course comes back to me though; over and over again I think it plays out in my life.  In a very physical sense, labor was exactly the same sort of feeling.  I didn't just think I couldn't do it anymore, I said it over and over again as I was pushing.  I couldn't stop though, and my beautiful baby came into this world.  Like that day on the high ropes course, I've never before felt that type of euphoria.

In a more figurative sense, deployment is also like that day on the high ropes course.  Just like my struggle through school, this journey has been one that has seemed at times like it will never end.  I have often found myself thinking that I won't be able to make it to the end that doesn't seem to be getting any closer, but I always know that I can and will get there.  As I look ahead now, homecoming is finally within grasping distance.  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I couldn't be more excited!

I have been thinking a lot about the high ropes course the past few days, and as searched for and reread that old entry I realized that it is missing one very important detail: I never addressed the source of my strength on the high ropes course.  My relationship with God has taken a meandering path, and I wasn't particularly reliant on Him during my college years.  I knew He was there, but I didn't always acknowledge it was actually His strength pulling me through.  I will admit that even still my relationship with Him isn't where it needs to be, but I've come to recognize that I am nothing without His strength supporting me.

Some morbidity, and birth control.

Before I get into the meat of this post, I feel it necessary to write a disclaimer.  This post discusses death, pregnancy loss, and abortion.  I do not have personal experience of pregnancy or infant loss.  I am not in any way, shape, or form, trying to dismiss the pain and suffering of anyone who has experienced those types of tragedies and I sincerely apologize if anything I say comes across in an offensive manner.  If anything I say is offensive or way off base, please leave me a comment and I will try to correct myself.  I realize that these are sensitive topics, I am merely trying to make sense of things in my own mind. 

Did you see the AP article about the Arnold family?  I posted a link to Chad's blog, Come Too Far, in my last update.  Long story short, Chad Arnold has an incurable liver disease and his liver was failing.  Although he would have liked to wait for a cadaver liver transplant, a live-donor transplant became his best choice.  His brother, Ryan, volunteered to undergo testing to see if he was a compatible match, and found that he was.  They underwent the transplant surgery at the end of July, and a few days later Ryan passed away from complications of the surgery.  Chad is surviving with his brother's liver, and has started writing that blog to help him through the grief.  The entire family is devout Christians, and their faith throughout this ordeal has been inspirational.

In the entry that was posted yesterday, Chad and Ryan's mother wrote, "I have been blessed beyond measure. We have four children, along with their spouses, and twelve grandchildren who are a constant source of joy to us.  Notice I said we have four children. Yes, that’s right. Have.  Ryan is still our son."  That is a 100% true statement, and no one would ever argue with that.  Death does not erase a person's existence.  Just because he is no longer living on Earth does not mean that he never lived.  It doesn't matter if the person lived for 100 years, 100 days, 100 minutes, or 1 second; death does not erase life.

I have several acquaintances who have given birth a many as three months prematurely, and unfortunately some of their babies did not survive.  Those families do not forget about their children who passed away too soon.  If asked how many children they have, the parents answer always includes the baby who has passed away.  To me, this makes perfect sense; of course that baby should be included.  Just because she is no longer living doesn't mean she never did!

But what about when a woman has a miscarriage?  I know far too many women who have suffered one or more miscarriages.  Usually these are early in their pregnancies, before 10 weeks, but I know a few that have been much later than that, one at 12 and another at 16 weeks.  At what point does the pregnancy become a baby, and a member of the family?  The answer to the question doesn't really matter; whether it was a baby that died or a miscarriage, the loss still hurts.  I just wonder at what point in time does it change from losing the pregnancy to losing the baby.

There are many things that can happen which would end a life at various points in it's development.  A miscarriage or a medical abortion usually occurs while it is still in its embryonic stage.  If the fetus dies before it is born, it may be considered a miscarriage or a late pregnancy loss, and if it is delivered it is stillborn.  If the fetus is born alive before 37 weeks gestation, it becomes a premature baby.  If it is born healthy at full term, lives 100 years, and then dies, that would be considered a normal life.  But at some point in it's development, the cells stop being just a ball of cells and start being a human.  I firmly believe that life begins at conception.  I would say that at any time after fertilization, the egg/embryo/fetus is a living human.  I still don't know when the unborn baby stops being an embryo or a fetus and starts being an unborn baby, though.  I don't understand why a pregnancy that ends in miscarriage at 7 weeks is different from a pregnancy that ends with a premature baby born at 24 weeks.  I also don't understand why abortion is okay, but murder is not. 

But I digress.  I started thinking about all of this while I was looking at different options for birth control.  Because I define pregnancy as beginning at conception, I would consider anything that prohibits or prevents implantation to be an immoral choice for birth control.  The trouble I am having is that is seems that the medical community has redefined pregnancy to begin at implantation rather than conception.  Most of the literature accompanying all non-barrier forms of birth control states that [insert method here] is not an abortifacient, but is a contraceptive.  Every kind I can find lists alteration of the uterine lining as one of it's secondary modes of action.  This includes various forms of the pill, the Ortho Evra patch, the Nuva Ring, the Depo Provera shot, the Implanon implant, the Parguard IUD, and the Mirena IUD.  If it is altering the uterine lining to prevent a fertilized egg from implanting, it is therefore acting as an abortifacient, no?  If it is, then it would be wrong to use that kind of birth control, right?  But what if altering the uterine lining is not the way any forms of birth control are supposed to prevent pregnancy, but more of a side effect that just happens to be a back-up should the primary method (either suppressing ovulation or otherwise preventing fertilization) fail?  Is that okay?  The more I read, the more I feel like I'm just going in circles and I can't figure out what's right and what's wrong anymore.

I had quite a few things I wanted to blog about in the past few days.  SJ is becoming more and more aware of her world and sleeping less and less though, so I haven't had much time to sit and write recently.  I can barely get enough time to write updates about her, let alone anything spiritual or profound!

So because I haven't been able to sit down and write myself, I'd like to share links to two blogs I've been reading.  The authors of both of them are struggling through terrible tragedies, but continue to glorify God in the midst of their suffering.  They are so encouraging!  Check them out:
Come Too Far
Pray for Ian

It's Been a While!

Hello Blogger world!  Sorry I've been MIA the past few weeks.  Who knew temporarily being a single parent would be so time-consuming?!  I kid, but seriously, I have been unbelievably busy since moving back to Virginia.

As can be expected, SJ is still growing so quickly.  She's almost completely out of her 0-3 month cloths, save for a few pairs of pants and all her socks.  She will be 3 months old next week though, so I guess that isn't too surprising.  She's still in size small diapers, which is fantastic because they're supposed to fit until around 6-8 months.  She is doing very well, becoming much more aware of her surroundings and developing a great little personality.  She recently developed strong dislike of being in the car without someone sitting next to her, which makes trying to take her out by myself less than enjoyable.  Thankfully she is mostly content if I remember to clip her duck toy to the handle on her carseat.  We're having a blast and excitedly waiting for Daddy to get home - which will be sometime next month!!

Outside the apartment, we have been keeping ourselves quite busy looking for a new apartment.  My friend and her husband were stationed in New York with us and transferred down to the Truman when we did also.  We both want to move when our leases are up in February, so we have been all over Hampton Roads visiting every apartment complex we can find.  Well, not every complex we can find, but we've visited over 15 in the past week.  Every one has something wrong with it - poor management, tiny kitchens, poorly maintained buildings, too expensive; nothing seemed to fit right.  Finally yesterday we visited a complex that is currently being constructed (the second new complex we've looked at), and it was everything I am looking for.  It's closer to work for M, close to everywhere I'd need to go, large kitchens with a pantry and an icemaker in the freezer, more than enough space...and most importantly right in my budget!  They offer military discounts and the pet rent is $10/month less than what I pay now...I'm excited.  M has pretty much told me to find one I like and he'll be happy with it, so now I'm just waiting for his input on which floorplan we should reserve.

In other news, my friend B is coming to visit soon and I'm pretty excited to spend time with her!  SJ has had enough of me playing on the computer, so that's all for now.  ♥

Two Months!!

I cannot believe SJ is two months old today!  She had her two-month well-baby visit this afternoon and is a very healthy baby girl.  She weighs a little over 11 lbs and is 23.75" long now.  She's definitely getting big very quickly!  I already had to pull out her 3-6 month sleepers because her torso is too long for most of her 0-3 month ones.  She has some short legs though - her 0-3m pants are still on the long side for her.  The doctor told me she is in the 90th percentile for height and the 75th for weight, but she's much smaller than all the other babies her age that I know.  There's been a lot of talk recently about the increasing birth weights of American babies, and I'm guessing the growth charts should probably be adjusted to reflect that as well.  I wonder how she's comparing in size to her peers, as opposed to the two-month-old babies who were around when the growth charts were made!

She also had to get her two-month vaccinations today.  I did a lot of research on vaccinations before she was born, and after *much* deliberation decided that we would vaccinate according to the AAP schedule with a few exceptions.  Today she got her first DTaP shot, the oral rotavirus vaccine, and a combination shot which included Hib, Pc, and Polio vaccines.  Tonight she cried screamed inconsolably for an hour before she finally fell asleep when I ran to the store to pick up some Infant Tylenol.  She seems to be feeling a little better after a dose a few hours ago, but it sure was heartbreaking to watch her cry like that and not be able to do anything to calm her down.  I think her legs were just sore, and hopefully that will quickly pass.

Already?!

SJ is going to be two months old next week.  How is time flying so fast?!  She's outgrown the infant insert in her carseat and all of her newborn clothes and diapers.  People keep giving her bigger sizes of clothes (some 9 and 12 month things) and I keep telling her she's not allowed to grow into them, but I'm pretty sure she has no intentions of listening to that!  Of course, I'm thrilled she's so healthy and growing so well, but I just can't believe how quickly the time is passing.  We've definitely been keeping busy, mostly in preparation for this past Friday.

Friday evening, my sister, C, got married!  The wedding was supposed to be held in the beautiful gardens outside the reception hall, with the cocktail hour under a tent on the other side of the building and dinner and dancing inside at 6:30.  C is a meteorologist and has been tracking the weather for her big day since it came into the 15-day forecast window.  At first she saw models predicting hurricane Matthew to slam into the coast of New Jersey on October 1, which would definitely have ruined her hopes for an outdoor ceremony.  Thankfully, Matthew fell apart, but his remnants were absorbed into tropical storm Nicole.  Nicole also weakened but moved straight up the coast, dumping over 5 inches of rain in eastern PA on Thursday into Friday morning.  The forecast was calling for the storm to pass overnight, with clouds turning into sun by early Friday afternoon.  At the rehearsal Thursday night, the wedding coordinator said that we would decide where to hold the ceremony by noon on Friday, so that they could set up chairs accordingly.  The storm was slow to clear Friday morning, and a little after noon it was decided that the wedding would be held under the tent (but still outside), and cocktails would be moved into the dining room before the reception.  By 3:00, the skies were clearing and my dad convinced the management to move all the chairs back to the garden.  The groomsmen and fathers of the bride and groom helped the staff re-set everything in the garden, and by 5:00 when the wedding started, the skies were blue and nearly cloudless.  It was about 70 degrees and absolutely perfect.  The ceremony was beautiful and the bride and groom were even able to go to the park across the street and get the pictures they had be hoping for.  The cocktail hour was held under the tent and everyone moved inside just as planned.  The bridal party was introduced into the reception and then the bride and groom shared there first dance to the Brad Paisley song, "Then."  They looked so incredibly happy together, it was perfect.  I didn't expect to find myself feeling so sad about M's absence, however.  It took a lot of effort to keep from bursting into tears watching C & B on the dance floor!  The fact that the photographer was directly across the dance floor from me gave me a little extra motivation to hold it together, though.  I didn't want to be bawling in the background of all their jubilant first dance pictures!!

The facts that The Wedding has come and gone and that SJ will be two months old next week and that I will be heading back to Hampton Roads in two weeks remind me again how fast the time is passing though. Looking ahead, it still feels like December is a lifetime away, but looking back I know that it'll be here before we know it.

A Word About Crosses. Or Rather, a Cartoon.

We complain about the cross we bear but don't realize it is preparing us for the dip in the road that God can see and we can't.

Whatever your cross, whatever your pain,
there will always be sunshine, after the rain.
Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall;
But God's always ready, to answer your call.
He knows every heartache, sees every tear,
a word from His lips, can calm every fear.
Your sorrows may linger, throughout the night,
But suddenly vanish, dawn's early light.
The Savior is waiting, somewhere above,
to give you His grace, and send you His love.

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

Layout ADD

If you didn't follow me on Xanga, you probably don't know this, but I have just a touch of layout ADD.  I get bored with my current layout rather quickly, and change it at least as often as once per season.  In honor of Autumn starting tomorrow, I have a new Fall layout! Also, I have a pretty new font, but I don't think anyone else can see it. If you want to see it, go here and download and install that font to your computer. And while you're there, check out the rest of her handwriting fonts, I thought it was fun!

In other news, I really don't have much.  I have been pretty busy recently, between SJ and my sister's upcoming wedding.  SJ is still growing like a weed (she's up to 10 lbs, 3 oz per her last pedi appointment!) and we spent last week hanging out with one of my college roommates who came to town.  We had a pretty great week, and now are just running around trying to get everything done before the wedding.

Favorite Quotes

I have lots; here are just a few:

"Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."
~Virginia Satir

"If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans."
~Van Zant, Help Somebody

"Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great." ~Comte DeBussy-Rabutin

"The longer the waiting, the sweeter the kiss."
~Josh Turner, The Longer the Waiting

"My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me anymore. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine." ~Yviane in Stardust

And now I have to go fold diaper laundry.  Goodnight blogger world +♥

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Lord, Thank you that You are totally in control of the decisions the nations' leaders are making presently.  I choose not to lean on my own understanding.  Bind the ugly spirit of fear from me, from my husband, and from our children, from our family and friends.  Draw us closer to You trough all of this, to hear You, to see You, to serve You better than ever before.  And, Lord, when it's all over, may we never revert to the place from which You moved us, grew us, and strengthened us.  Help us, at this difficult intersection, to choose to stay on the road You've marked out for us in Your perfect wisdom and love.  Use me, Lord, as You see best.  Don't allow me to be overcome by fear or paralyzed by helplessness or anger.  Empty me of me and fill me with You.  Not mine, but Your will be done.  In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Waddell, Marshéle Carter.  "Though My Heart Quakes."  Faith Deployed.  Ed. Jocelyn Green.  Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2009.  190-191.

SJ "Met" Daddy! +

Today M was finally able to video chat with me and SJ.  It was the first time I've gotten to see his face since he left in May!  It was also the first time he was able to see SJ in real-time and the first time she got to see him, even though she was mostly sleeping and I'm pretty sure her eyes can't focus that well yet.  Last week M got to tell her he loves her over the phone, but video chatting is better :)

The FRG is holding a half-way party tonight, which means that we are (hopefully) half-way through this deployment!  We're holding out hope that the HST will not be extended and will be home earlier rather than later.  It's been a long few months, but at the same time I can't believe how quickly they've flown by.

It's almost inconceivable to me that SJ will be one month old tomorrow.  It seems like she was just born yesterday, but then again I can't remember life before she was here.  It amazing how one day changes the rest of your life.  It's been a wonderful change and I wouldn't want it any other way!  I never knew I could love someone the way I love her.  Every day I marvel at how blessed we are, that God would use M and I to create such a perfect little girl.  Of course I know that she isn't really perfect, and I'm sure as she grows that will become more and more evident to us!  But I'm still amazed that we are so blessed that He used us in such a way.  Becoming a mommy has given me a whole new perspective into my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  I know how I love SJ, and I also know that my love for her is far from perfect.  To know that He loves me with a perfect love absolutely blows my mind!  I cannot fathom the depth of His love.  I hope that He enables me to love more and more perfectly like He does as I grow stronger in my relationship with Him.

An SJ Update and a Random Thought

One week from today, my brand new baby will be one month old!  I can't believe how quickly this time is passing.  As babies tend to do, SJ is growing like a weed.  Yesterday I decided to try one of her one-size diapers, and it fit!  This is exciting, because the OS pocket diapers are much easier to use than the prefolds and covers I had been using, but it also means she's getting so big already!  She's already starting to outgrow some of her newborn sized clothes.  I went and cleaned up her dresser drawers last night and already have a small stack of outfits that are too small.

I've also figured out that I cannot eat broccoli in any amount.  Two weeks ago I had Chinese food for dinner.  My favorite is chicken with broccoli.  The next day, SJ was fussier than she's ever been.  She screamed and cried all day.  I thought maybe the broccoli was the culprit, since broccoli does tend to cause gas and upset tummies in little ones.  A few nights ago, we had a chicken casserole that had cream of broccoli soup as the binder in it.  How much broccoli is in a can of condensed soup??  I didn't think it could be much, and I only had a small scoop of the casserole, but SJ was again miserable the next day.  It could be coincidence, but she's generally such a happy baby that I think I'll just be avoiding the broccoli from now on.  Sad though, because broccoli is one of my favorites!

And I just wanted to write this somewhere, so here seemed like a good place.  It has absolutely nothing to do with SJ, but it's just been on my mind re: things we say to people who are grieving or otherwise struggling with life.  "Everything happens for a reason."  I've heard it many times and I've said it myself.  But really, does everything happen for a reason?  I believe in the sovereignty of God, and I believe that sometimes He does put struggles in our lives to strengthen us and bring us closer to Him.   That thought most likely wouldn't encourage faith in God in the heart of someone who doesn't already have any, though.  The Bible doesn't say that everything happens for a reason.  It does say that God works all things together for good to those who love Him (Romans 8:28; emphasis mine).  That means that God can take a truly terrible situation and turn it into something positive, but it doesn't mean that God willed the terrible thing to happen.  He may have allowed it, and He will work it out for His glory and our good, but that doesn't mean that there was a reason it happened.  I guess when we say that everything happens for a reason, we mean something to the effect of "God will work it out," but if we're speaking to someone who has no faith in God, it's not even a true statement.

"I Ain't Got It All That Bad"

I'm currently reading this great little devotional book that my mom bought for me, called Faith Deployed.  Each reading begins with a Scripture passage and has some thoughts written by a one of fourteen military wives who contributed to the book and then ends with a few reflective questions and a short prayer.  I have been so encouraged by a lot of the readings, and several of them have spoken to issues that have been on my heart recently.  Every time I read one of those, I think about blogging about it, but usually never get around to it.  SJ is just ate and is napping now, so I think I'll have enough time to try to put some of those thoughts together!

So frequently, and I've noticed this especially among the young military community, we tend to get into arguments of "I have it worse than you do."  I think it stems from a pride issue, as if somehow we're better because our situation is harder?  I don't really understand the reasoning behind the thought process, but I know I am also guilty of falling into that kind of thinking.  It is completely unbiblical to think that way though!

In a reading entitled Comparing Trials, Jocelyn Green shares a story where she too found herself caught in that trap, and then writes:

     "I carried my 'I have it worse than you' attitude home with me that day.  I snuggled up to it to make myself feel more virtuous or worthy somehow.  But the tighter I held onto it, the less Christ was able to use me.  I used my own trials as something to be proud of.  What a ridiculous thing to boast about!
     "Proverbs 14:10 says, 'The heart knows its own bitterness, and a stranger does not share its joy.'  When I read that verse, it seems to tell me that each person's burden causes him or her a pain that should not be dismissed just because someone else has it worse.  It is impossible and worthless to compare trials.  A truly humble person would have compassion and bear others' burdens no matter how they 'rank' next to my own.
     "In Galatians 6:2, Paul does not say, 'Bear one another's burdens only if you deem the burden of significant magnitude.  If it isn't a big deal to you, go ahead and let your sister in Christ figure it out on her own.  She'll get over it.'  We are to 'bear one another's burdens'--period.
     "...if anyone had the right to consider other people's complaints as petty, Jesus did.  Jesus knew he would die a horrific death on the cross to pay for the sins of those who put Him there--and yet He took time to comfort and heal thousands of people with lesser trials.  May we seek to model Jesus' humility and compassion in our own lives."

In 2 Corinthians 12:7, Paul wrote that God had given him a thorn in his flesh in order to keep him from boasting.  His trial was given to keep him humble, and yet so often we boast about our trials!

The fact that M was deployed for SJ's birth and will miss the first few months of her life sucks, there's no sugarcoating that.  It's hard and I get lonely and tired and I wish he could be here, but whining and complaining about his absence isn't going to do a swingin' thing to bring him home.  It will make me feel even worse though.  I appreciate the compliments that several of my fellow Navy wives have given me praising my strength, but I can't take credit for that strength.  It is tempting to boast both about how hard this situation is and about how strong I am for getting through it, but neither of those options glorify God and they certainly don't give credit where credit is due.  It is only through Christ that I am able to keep such a positive attitude.  I pray that I don't ever take the credit myself and always remember to point back to God in times like this.

Birth Story

M asked if I would send him SJ's birth story because he wanted to know all the details he missed.  I told him I'd write one up and put it here so that he could see it, but also because I want to remember the details too.  It ended up being the longest thing ever.

SJ was born at 9:20pm on August 11, but the story started about 2 1/2 days earlier.  I woke up to use the restroom sometime around 3 am Monday morning and felt like my water may have been leaking.  After using the restroom, it didn't stop, so I was pretty sure that it was indeed leaking.  It never was a huge gush, so it wasn't really broken, but I thought I probably had a high leak and it wouldn't be too long before labor started.  I sent M a message telling him that I thought my water was leaking, just so he would be expecting a message sometime in the near future that I was in labor.  I also left a note for my dad on his bedroom door just to let him know what was going on.  I wasn't sure if he'd want to go to work and then come home if I did go into real labor, or if he wanted to stay home and wait and see what happened.  I had my 39 week appointment later that morning, so I didn't bother to call the office.  At my appointment, I mentioned the leaking to my midwife.  She checked the fluid, but said that it wasn't amniotic fluid and I shouldn't worry about it.  I didn't really believe her, but I had still not begun having anything more than a contraction here and there, so I wasn't too upset.  Most doctors and hospitals have policies requiring the baby to be delivered no more than 24-48 hours after the water has broken, and since I really wanted to avoid being induced or given Pitocin, the fact that she said it wasn't amniotic fluid was good for me.  Since labor didn't really seem imminent, my dad decided to go to work for the afternoon and nothing else happened.

Tuesday morning I was woken up at 4 am by contractions.  I began timing them right away and they were about 5-7 minutes apart but not horribly uncomfortable.  Again I sent M a message to give him a heads up and I debated whether or not to get up and tell my dad before he went to work.  I decided against that because I didn't want another false alarm.  I laid in bed trying to go back to sleep for about 2 hours, but to no avail.  The contractions hadn't slowed or strengthened, so I decided to get up and see if movement would change anything.  After I got up, they slowed significantly.  We went about our usual activities and I think I may have gone grocery shopping later in the morning.  Later in the afternoon I was feeling pretty sleepy since I had been up since 4 am, so I laid down to take a nap.  About an hour later, I was again woken by regular contractions.  These were a little stronger than the ones that woke me up in the morning, but still completely manageable.  Again I got up and the contractions slowed.

At about 9 pm as we were watching a Phillies game, the contractions started back up again and this time they didn't go away when I got up.  We decided to try to go to bed because I was thinking I probably wouldn't be able to wait until morning to head to the hospital.  As soon as I laid down, the contractions got much closer together and laying still was not an option.  I got back up again and went downstairs to try to find a comfortable position.  I sat on my exercise ball and watched TV for a little while, wrote M an email, and walked around the house for a few hours.  The midwives had told me to call then when my contractions were five minutes apart lasting at least a minute, once they had been that way for at least an hour.  By 1 am, my contractions were very close together and I was starting to have a hard time walking and talking through them.  My brother is mostly nocturnal, so at that point I went up to talk to him for a while.  He could see that I was really starting to feel the contractions, so he decided it was time to wake up our parents.  Being the excited little brother he was, he stormed into their room and announced that it was time to head to the hospital.  We called the midwife and told her what was going on, and she recommended waiting at home for at least another hour or two because I didn't really want any pain relief at the hospital.  We waited for about an hour and a half, and then headed to the hospital a little after 3 am.

We got to Labor & Delivery, where they put me in a triage room, examined me, and determined that my water was leaking.  Since I hadn't noticed any change since I first suspected the leak, I was not at all surprised by this diagnosis.  Because my water had broken, I was admitted even though I was only three centimeters dilated and technically not in active labor yet.  They hooked me up to the monitors and started my IV [which I had been hoping to avoid].  After several minutes on the monitor, the nurses were amazed at how frequent and strong my contractions were.  They told us they would have to closely monitor the baby's heart rate and that they may have to give me something to slow the contractions.  Thankfully, SJ was super strong and didn't have any trouble handling the contractions.

After the initial monitoring, I was moved to an L&D room.  I think it was at least 4:30 by that time.  I don't exactly remember all the specifics of what happened next, but I spent the next 8 hours or so trying to find a way to get comfortable and help labor progress as quickly as possible.  I walked around my room for a little while and then one of the nurses offered me one of the labor tubs that the hospital had.  I was looking forward to using that to hopefully relax, so I gladly accepted.  She went to go fill it, but another nurse came and said I couldn't use it yet because they were a little concerned with SJ's heart rate.  It was beating just fine, but wasn't responding in any way to the contractions.  Usually they look for it to accelerate and decelerate, but her's was staying pretty much constant the whole time, no matter what I was doing.  I don't know how long they made me stay in the room while they watched her, but after what seemed like an eternity to me, I was finally allowed to use the tub.  What great relief!  I was so comfortable in there, I even started to doze between contractions [which were still about 2 minutes apart at this point].  I desperately needed the sleep - I had been awake for over 24 hours at that point and having regular contractions for over 9 hours.  I have no idea what time it was when I got in the tub or how long I stayed in, but at some point while I was in there, my midwife, C, arrived at the hospital.  Eventually I decided that I had to use the restroom and she said she wanted to check me again, so I regretfully got out of the tub.  C checked me and said I was at four centimeters.  I was so disappointed!  I was exhausted and felt like I wasn't making any progress.  C asked if she could break my water to see hopefully get things to progress quickly, but I was afraid to have her do that.  I was having a hard time working through the contractions as it was, and I knew that they would get more intense after my water broke.  I was so comfortable in the labor tub though, I decided to go back to it.  I got back in, but unfortunately I didn't find the same kind of relief I had found before.  I couldn't find the same position I had been in, so I tried to find another comfortable way, but was unsuccessful and finally decided to get out.  I went back to my room and tried to lie down to rest, but the contractions were too strong and close together for that to be any comfort.  I found some relief leaning on the labor ball against my bed, and I walked around my room for a while.  M was able to call several times during that period, but I wasn't really able to talk to him.  My contractions were strong enough that I couldn't talk through them and they were lasting over a minute and were only two minutes apart, so I really didn't have much break in between.  Honestly, I don't remember much of what happened during that time period; I know one time he called the hospital because he couldn't get a hold of any of us on cell phones.  My mom answered and held the phone to my ear, but all I could muster to say was an "I love you". 

Sometime in late morning, C decided to check me again and found that I had only progressed to 5 cm.  I was getting extremely fatigued by this point and the slow progress was hugely discouraging.  I was really beginning to doubt my ability to labor naturally, or even at all.  I spent the next hour or so talking [and crying] to C, the nurses, and my parents about what my choices were.  I [and they] were concerned that I would be to exhausted to push when the time came if things kept progressing as they were.  I strongly didn't want meds of any kind for a variety of reasons, but finally let them persuade me to get an epidural.  It was a little before 1 pm when the anesthesiologist came to administer the epidural.  I made sure that he and his staff knew that I did not want to see any of the equipment they were using and I just prayed and focused on breathing through the whole procedure.  It wasn't nearly as bad as I expected it to be, and I had no bad side effects from it, thankfully.  C examined me again after they gave me the epi and then I let her break my water.  She found that there was meconium in the water and let us know that we'd have to have the NICU team present at delivery and there would be precautions taken to ensure that SJ did not inhale any meconium.

The epi gave me almost immediate relief on my left side...in fact the relief was too good and I ended up not being able to move my left leg at all!  My right side was barely numbed at all, however, so they helped me roll onto my right side.  After some time [again, I have no idea how long], I began to lose the feeling in my right leg as well.  There was one spot in my lower abdomen toward my right leg that was never successfully numbed though, and I could still feel the contractions there for the rest of my labor.  There was enough relief though, that I was finally able to take a nap.  I think I slept for an hour or two.  When I woke up, I was feeling the contractions pretty strongly in that spot that didn't numb, so the anesthesiology resident came in and gave me a bolster [I think that's what they called it, but I forget] of the epi medicine.  It helped for a while and definitely took the edge off, but never actually numbed that spot like the rest of my lower body.

At about 3 pm, C came back to say that her on-call day was over and K would be taking over for her.  She examined me one more time before she left and said that I was 5.5-6 cm dilated.  Shortly after, K came in and examined me yet again, just to "get to know me" since she hadn't seen me yet.  It was only a few minutes after C left, so I hadn't made any more progress.  Since I had the epidural, I was unable to get out of bed at all.  At some point, one of the nurses said that I needed to try to empty my bladder into a bedpan.  Since my entire lower body was numb, I really couldn't control those muscles and was unable to do so.  Sadly, that meant I had to get a catheter, but thankfully I was numb, so that wasn't a big deal!  After that, I spent most of the rest of the afternoon just laying in bed talking to my parents and brother.  The nurses kept checking on the monitors and kept commenting on how great SJ was doing through the contractions, which weren't changed at all by the epidural. 

Sometime around 6 or so, I started to get really uncomfortable and couldn't quite figure out why.  I kept asking for K to come back and check me again because I felt like something had changed drastically, but there she had two other patients who were also in the end stages of labor.  She finally came in sometime around 6:30, checked me, and announced that I was almost there!  Then she left again and I realized that I was feeling intense pressure.  I still couldn't really move my left leg, although the epidural was wearing off.  Because of that, I was getting very uncomfortable and I was unable to move to try to find a more comfortable position.  After the other two babies were delivered [and I felt like I had been waiting forever], K came back and checked me again.  I think it was around 7, but I really have no idea.  She said I was at 8 cm [which really made me wonder what "almost there" meant an hour earlier!] and that I should start pushing since I was feeling the urge.  I had no idea what I was doing, but after a few pushes I guess I started to get the hang of it because she said to keep doing that.  I guess she had me push through the last two centimeters because I went from 8 to 10 in almost no time.  Then she had me pushing for real, although from my perspective there wasn't really any difference.  I pushed and pushed and SJ was finally born nearly two hours later, at 9:20 pm.  As C had told me when she broke my water, SJ was immediately placed on my stomach and K cut the cord.  No one stimulated her to try to make her cry and she was taken by the NICU team to be examined.  Once they had a chance to suction her mouth and nose, she cried just a little and they got her breathing and she pinked up pretty quickly.  They checked her over and weighed and measured her.  I wasn't told them right away, but did find out that her APGAR scores were 8 and 8.  I did have a pretty big tear from the delivery, so K stitched me while the NICU team was working on SJ. 

After we were cleaned up a bit, they gave her back to me and she nursed for about 40 minutes.  She latched great right off the bat.  A little after 11, the nurses came back in the room and had me get out of bed and walk to the restroom while they gave SJ a bath and her hepatits B vaccine.  I was a little unsteady, but got my strength back pretty quickly.  It was after midnight by the time we were transferred to a postpartum room and my inlaws were finally able to come in and see us.  I was exhausted when we were finally able to get to bed around 1 am Thursday morning.

All in all, labor was the most physically and emotionally demanding thing I've ever been through, but it certainly had the biggest reward at the end.  There were many times that I doubted myself, simply because I was so exhausted.  Nothing about my labor matched up with anything I had read in preparation and nothing went the way I had expected or planned.  I'm a little disappointed that I wasn't able to go completely med-free, but I think that if I hadn't been so tired, I would have been able to do it.  The pain was never really the issue for me, it was just the physical exhaustion that I couldn't handle.  Due to the length of my labor and my exhaustion, I am fairly certain that I would have had a c-section if I had been seeing an OB rather than a midwife, and it certainly would have been an unnecessary c-section [even if I would have jumped at the chance in the moment!].  The midwives and nurses at the hospital were absolutely wonderful, and although I hope that M never has to miss the birth of another child, I would love to be able to deliver at this hospital again.  Even though I'm so sad that he has missed all of this, I'm so grateful that things have worked out the way they have.  My prenatal care and the whole delivery experience were wonderful and I was so much more comfortable with this hospital and these midwives than I would have been had I stayed in Hampton Roads after M left.

A Little History

I realize that most anyone who is reading this already knows most of this information, but for completeness' sake, I feel the need to write it.

M and I met our freshman year of college and began dating on New Year's Eve of 2005.  Both of us ended up transferring from College #1 and M went on to join the Navy in the spring of 2007.  He left for bootcamp the following September and by the time he finished in November, we knew we wanted to get married.  He proposed right after Christmas and we got married a year and a day later, after I graduated [from College #3].

Training for his job was long - it was made up of 3 schools which were supposed to take a total of 15 months.  He was put on hold between each school while they waited for the next class to begin.  He was in South Carolina for the first 11 months [3 months of school + 2 months of hold + 6 months of school], and then moved to upstate New York for the last leg of schooling [which was supposed to be 6 more months]. 

Our wedding was about a month after his school in New York started, so after the wedding, I moved up there with him.  We only expected to be there until April 2009, but the school was shut down for about 6 months and we ended up having our stay in New York lengthened extensively.  M ended up getting picked up for yet another stint of schooling after the third one, so by the time the shut down was over and he finished his fourth round of training, we had been in New York for over a year.  M seemed to think that he had a pretty good chance of being selected to stay in New York as an instructor at the school, and we were hoping that that would work out because in December we found out we were expecting.  But God and the Navy had other plans for us and M got orders to report to the USS Harry S. Truman in March, so off to Hampton Roads we went.  Sadly for both of us, the HST was scheduled to deploy shortly after M reported, and so he went out to sea at the end of May.

After much prayer and some other plans not working out, M and I decided it would be best if I moved back in with my parents until after SJ was born.  She was due August 15 and I am to be the maid of honor in my sister's wedding at the beginning of October, so we decided that it would be easiest if I moved to Pennsylvania at the beginning of June.  I'll head back to Hampton Roads after the wedding, but before the FRG meeting at the end of October. 

SJ was born two weeks ago and M won't get to meet her until he gets back sometime this winter.  We are so thankful for facebook and email so that he has been able to see photos of her, and we were fortunate enough to he was able to phone while I was in labor.  It still breaks my heart to know and see that he is missing these first few months of our baby's life, though.  I am so proud of the sacrifices he has made for our country and to provide for our family, but I'd love more than almost anything for him to be able to be here to experience all of this with me.  As hard as it is to do this without him, we both know that God is using this deployment to strengthen us both as individuals and as a couple.  We also know that when SJ grows up, she won't remember that daddy was gone for the first few months of her life.  If he's got to go, I'm glad it's now when she doesn't even know it.

First Post Here

I've had a blog hosted on Xanga for nearly six years now, but it had too much personal information available on it and I didn't feel comfortable posting updates about our life.  I realized that it's never a good idea to have your full name as your username or web address, but Xanga isn't as user-friendly as blogger and charges $10 for username changes.  So hello blogger world, let's see how this works!

I'm hoping to use this blog primarily to keep our family and friends up to date on what is going on with SJ.  I frequently have other, deeper thoughts that I'd like to flesh out in writing [which was the primary purpose of my old Xanga], but seldom have time to really work those posts out.  On the rare occasions when I do find the time, those posts will probably appear on here also. 

SJ is getting fussy again, so I won't write a real update tonight.  Hopefully I'll have a chance to write at least her birth story by the end of the week.